結婚は夢、結局は何も残らない

I could do nothing but stare into the 6 foot hole that held my everything in. The one being in the world that knew me like no other and loved me the way no one else could. My mother. She was such a beautiful soul. She had the most lushes, softest, deep chocolate skin. Her hair was a coil paradise, full of black, healthy, thick hair, that she kept neatly tucked away most times or let run free out in a coily fro. She had a smile that could steal anyone's heart, and her eyes were dazzling. She had the purest olive green eyes that reflected otherworldly against her skin. Luckily for me, I inherited those same eyes from her. I have her eyes and dark complexion. That's it. For whatever reason, I'm a stick, straight up and down. My mom wasn't skinny but wasn't big either. She was a full figured woman with curves in all the right places. I'm hopeful that I'll gain weight eventually. Most of the women in my life are thicker, one way or another. The biggest difference in appearance when it comes to my mom is my hair. We share the same curl pattern and thickness/fullness of hair, but my hair is silver. It has few highlights of black and white, but my hair, for the most part, is all silver. I have no idea where I got it from. My mom has always told me it probably came from my dad's side, but I've never met him or anyone from his side, for that matter. I think he died before I was born. Wherever I asked mama about him, she would always get this far off look in her eyes and tell me stories of how they met and the love they shared. Then she'd tell me he had to go far away, but that he loved us. I never liked pushing too hard because she'd always seemed so upset by it. I used to ask her why she didn't date, and she'd look at me and tell me that I was the love of her life... well, now I'm all alone. My mama had a best friend who became like an aunt to me named Mia, who has a daughter my age named Angel, who's like a sister. I'm figuring I'll be staying with them. I just can't bring myself to move from this spot. I can't leave here without my mom. I felt a hand gently rest on my shoulder, and fingers intertwined with my own. I looked over.

"Baby. I know it's hard, but you can't spend the rest of your life here. Your mother worked hard to ensure that you would be just fine without her here physically. She will always be with you, even when you can't see her. Minnie would not want you to die along with her. You were her life, Kwen."

Tears poured from my eyes. I had to come to terms with the fact that my mom has really left me. She left me in a world devoid of her, and I don't know if I can cope with that.

"Kwennie, it's alright. You still have us. We love you. you know that, right?"

I smiled a teary smile at my sister and nodded. She squeezed my hand even tighter. I looked back down in the hole that held my mom and bared my soul. I sobbed loudly and uncontrollably. My auntie wrapped me in her arms and let me empty out everything.

"Shh. Shh. I know, baby. Kwenali, you are not alone. We got you. Now and forever. You know your mama would leap from the grave and kick my butt if I didn't."

That little comment caused a small chuckle to leave from me because it was true. We left a few minutes after that. They dropped me off home so I could finish packing up the house and my things. When I got there, a package was left on the porch. I picked it up and brought it in. Our house no longer felt like a home, but a museum of memories that I, all at once, wish to hold on to but also forget. It just hurt too much to remember right now. I sat on the couch and opened the package. It was something from some insurance company and mom's lawyer. The one from the lawyer was a bunch of paperwork that said my mom had a will and that a link was sent to my email and for me to watch it for things I needed to know. The insurance company papers were simply stating that I was my mom's beneficiary and that I would be collecting a large sum of money when I turned 18, you know the basics. I truthfully couldn't care less about what any of it said. I felt so numb to everything around me, like I was here, but I wasn't. It felt as if I was floating with nothing holding me down. I grabbed my laptop and sat it on the table before I went back off to pack up the rest of my belongings. I packed up most of my clothing, school materials, toiletries and things of that nature and brought it all downstairs. I changed out of the black dress and flats I had on and put on some sweatpants and one of my mom's hoodies. I packed up some of her stuff with mine as well, but auntie and I would go through all her stuff together later. The hoodie was big on me, but I didn't care. It brought me some level of comfort. My coily gray hair that was pulled back in a ponytail, I took out and let my hair fall around my shoulders messily. Once, everything was as settled as I could get it, I finally opened my laptop and searched for the link to see the will my mom left for me. I get to it and clicked. The first thing I saw was my mom, sitting looking more healthy than she did when she died. I pushed play as tears left my eyes.

"Hi, mommy's baby. If you're seeing this, it means I couldn't beat my cancer like I hoped I could, and that also means I'll no longer be able to stay with you. I am so sorry, my love. I'm sorry I won't be there for your first crush or to tell you how to handle becoming a woman. I won't be there to guide when you're lost and in pain, and I won't be there to tell you it's alright when you start to feel unsure. But know this, I love you with all my heart, regardless of if my body is cold or warm. I'm so very proud of you, baby. You've accomplished more than I could've ever hoped for already. You're only 9 and have already finished 8th grade and are starting high school. Hopefully, I'm around to see you finish that, at least. Mommy has worked hard to ensure you have a good life even when I'm not here. My company is yours when you turn 18. In the meantime, your Aunt Mia will be handling that since she's been my partner for forever. It's all written and legalized, and she's already signed off on the transference of power when you turn 18, so there's nothing to worry about. Listen, baby, I've kept a secret from you your whole life, strictly to protect you. I know it'll be a little hard to believe, but trust me, I'm telling the truth. You are not just human. You are more than that. I'm not sure how much of your father you have in you, but you are not ordinary. You have a keen sense of smell and are abnormally strong and fast. Your father will come for you and when he does, I need you to trust him. He will not hurt you. He looks like the pictures I've shown you before. I'm sorry I've never told you about him. But once he told me what he was, I couldn't allow him to know you existed. I wanted to keep you safe from his world. I didn't want you to feel like you weren't good enough. You are enough the way that you are. Never let anyone tell you or make you feel differently. I wish I could explain more but I can't and for that I'm sorry as well. All this... everything I've done was to keep you safe and loved. I love you, baby girl. I'll love you more tomorrow than I did today and..."

"The day before."

I finished out the phrase my mom would say to me all the time. Tears fell from my eyes at the revelation of my father being alive and well but also being something more than just human. Too many thoughts swirled in my head. It was giving me a headache. I laid on the couch and just rewatched the video of my mom speaking to me... the healthy version. The one I remembered. I used her words to lull me to sleep.