I Decided To Live As Myself の小説・ストーリー

“I’m done letting this family decide who I should love, who I should be with, and who I should become.” Pagkatapos kong sabihin ‘yon, tumingin ako kay Viviane. “Thank you… for being honest. Pero tapos na talaga tayo.” Hindi na ako naghintay ng sagot. Lumabas ako ng mansyon at huminga nang malalim sa malamig na hangin sa labas. Parang may bigat na nabunot sa dibdib ko. This time, I’m choosing myself. And the woman I love, kahit gaano pa kahirap.

Ito ang buhay ko ngayon, at mamumuhay ako ayon sa aking sariling mga desisyon. Ilang linggo na ang lumipas mula nang magdesisyon akong iwan ang lahat. Pati ang trabaho ko, pati si Gunter, pati ang lahat ng mga pangarap na iniisip ko para sa aming dalawa. Napagod na ako. Sobra. Ang sakit na naramdaman ko ay parang isang pahirap na hindi ko kayang takasan, kaya't nagdesisyon akong umalis at magsimula ng panibago.

Ipinaglaban niya pa rin ito alang alang sa magiging anak nila. "H-Hindi mo kasi naiintindihan kung bakit ko piniling itago iyong totoong identity ko, eh. All my life, people only befriend me because of who I am as a popular figure and only because of what I have. Money, influence... Ni minsan, hindi ko naramdaman na nagustuhan ako ng tao dahil lang sa kung ano talaga ako. K-Kaya noong nasa isla ako, pinili ko na mamuhay sa paraang gusto ko. I chose to be who I want myself to be. K-Kaya iyong simple at ordinaryong Ezaiyah na nakilala mo noon sa Isla Amore, i-iyon talaga ako. K-Kaya hindi iyon pagkukunwari---"

Just like what Anna said, who cares what people think of me? This is my life anyways! I have the right to decide. …

At ang batang nasa tiyan ko, palalakihin ko ito kahit ako lang mag-isa. Simula ngayon, I will live only for myself and my child.

"Honestly, I wasn't expecting this kind of treatment. I feel like, you're a different person from my best friend I met years ago." Siguro ay tama s'ya. Nagbago nga ako. Nagbago ako para sa sarili ko. I am no longer a weak woman. I can do things on my own without hesitation, without validation from someone. And it's the best part of changes I've ever had in my life. Less drama, less talk, and less people in my life.

Lahat ng kadiliman na naghari sa aking isipan ay unti-unting kong nakikitaan ang liwanag dahil sa kaniya. For once, my life wasn’t that dark. He made me realized that I could be the ruler of my own life if I have the courage to fight for what I really wanted. He was the reason why I am finding hope in life. That life isn’t really dark if we choose to see the beauty inside of it.

“I thought of forgetting who I am many times already. Gusto ko na lang bitawan lahat ng hawak ko ngayon at sunduin ang mga anak natin papunta rito. Gusto ko na rito na lang tayo, Zalaria. For the first time in my whole existence, I want to live without carrying any title with me. I want to be an ordinary citizen and have an ordinary and peaceful life— away from guns, wars, deals, assassinations, attacks, blood, and deaths.” Napamura siya. “Gusto kong malapitan kayo ng mga anak natin nang walang iniisip na panganib na maaaring mangyari sa inyo. Sa ilang taon na panonood ko sa inyo mula sa malayo, I realized what I truly want.”

he whispered in my ear. And I felt the goosebumps shoot all over my body. He’s spitting facts. And I felt embarrassed because kabilang ako sa mga babaeng tinutukoy niya. I was holding myself back to express myself to society, to let everyone know what I really wanted to do with my life. Because this society where we lived in is completely fucked up. Bunch of self-proclaimed successful assholes, when in fact all of us were just work-in-progress human beings.

Wala na akong balita sa kanila, at gano’n din sila sa akin. When I reached the age of maturity when I finally became of legal age I made a decision for myself. I wanted to live alone and become independent. I didn’t want to rely on anyone, not even on the family who had taken care of me for years. I told myself that I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, that standing on my own would be better. That’s how I thought back then, and truthfully, that’s still a part of how I think now.