I Decided To Live As Myself นิยาย & เรื่องราว

I ran, I hid, and didn't want any people to know where I was. This isn't freedom for me as of now... I was being so selfish, and it made my bones prickled. Dahil sa haba ng panahon kong pamamalagi rito, ay ngayon ko lang iyon napagtanto. My life, at this particular moment, was a mess. I gave a piece of myself to a man who was still grieving a woman who looked exactly like me. But I was still here. Still thinking. Still breathing. And the fact that I could see it clearly enough to name it, that felt like the first thing in a while that was actually mine.

Walang pagbabago, hindi parin naging ganoon ang buhay ko. Hindi magiging ganoon ang mangyayari sa buhay ko. Kailangan kong mamili. Hindi ako matatanggap nang aking angkan kong sasabihin ko kung ano at sino ako? I'm a hybrid. And a hybrid, doesn't exist with them. Kung ang pagiging bampira ko lang ang problema ko ay pwede iyong tanggalin nang mga mangkukulam.

Huminga ako nang malalim, pilit pinapakalma ang sarili ko dahil pakiramdam ko ay umiikot na naman ang paningin ko. “Wala sa dalawang 'yan ang nagbibigay sa 'yo ng karapatan para manghimasok sa mga desisyon ko o tumira sa mismong bahay ko,” dugtong ko. “Hindi kita lalaki. Hindi kita kabit. Kaya pwede ba, umalis ka na.”

Muli ay nanatili lang akong tahimik. Pero sa mga pagkakataon na ito ay napaisip na rin ako sa mga sinabi ni CJ. Tama nga siya. I can't be known by the whole world with this loose appearance. I mean, I'm comfortable with it and this is me. Nandoon na. But I can't defy the fact that the world won't love me just by my mind and wealth. Hindi na magbabago pa ang katotohanan na isa nang kalakaran sa mundo ang usapin ng pisikal na kaanyuan. At kahit pa sabihin ko na ayokong baguhin ang sarili ko, alam kong mag makabubuti pa rin kung kahit papaano ay subukan ko namang yumkap ng pagbabago sa buhay ko. And one more thing, higit sa kahit na sino ay ang sarili ko rin naman ang makikinabang sa gagawin ku

Kaya iyon ang ginawa ko. I promised myself that day na kailangan ko nang mabuhay na hindi dumedepende sa iba — kahit na 'yong mga taong related sa akin. Napatunayan ko kasi sa sarili ko na ako at ako lang talaga ang magse-save sa sarili ko sa huli. Natuto akong tumayo sa sarili kong paa at mga kakayahan. So here I am. That was 2 years ago.

Pero mas higit sa lahat, binawi ko ang sarili ko. I’m still me. Still Althea. Pero ngayon, mas totoo na ako. At mas handa na akong harapin ang consequences, basta’t alam kong pinili ko ito bilang ako—not just the daughter they molded, but the person I’m becoming. ______

Pero paano ko sasabihin ‘yon, kung alam kong para kay Dad, isa lang siyang traitor? “I… just wanted to live normally, Dad,” mahina kong sabi. “Ayokong itago ang sarili ko habang buhay. I wanted to be me.” Tumingin siya, matalim. “You mean, you wanted to defy me.” “Hindi ganon…” “Then what?” putol niya ulit. “You think you can run your life better than I can? You think being here, pretending to be some ordinary student, will change who you are?”

And I prefer to look dreadful, not exposing my identity so much, so no one could dare to use me again for their self-benefit. Again, I didn't change. I just grew up fearless and comprehend my self-worth.

And I couldn't wait to go back home. I want to thank my cousins and my family for giving me a choice to decide for myself and for not telling me that this is just a phase in my life and it will soon pass. But we all knew that it will not unless I did something about it. I am not even aware of how problematic I am right now. Sobrang daming tao ang na apektuhan. And there's this voice inside me telling me that I should stop now. I think I already wasted so much time always chasing Trevor. And that's been how I live my life since my teenage days. No, I don't think it's such a waste. Trevor has been my salvation and I am living for him. But this time, it will be different. ***

I do believe in myself so much na halos lahat ay gusto ko kaya kong gawin and I wanted to show them how much capable I am to handle things on my own now, malaki na ako and I know what's right and wrong in my life so sana hindi na sila mag worry sa mga pag dadaanan ko pa sa buhay. After din naming mag celebrate ay umuwi na rin kami since kailangan naming mag pahinga at mamaya ko na bubuksan yung gifts na binigay nila sa'kin. After changing myself into something comfortable and laying on my bed I just realized na there's a lot of big things now that I needed to achieve and I can't wait to finish those achivements and to line up everything.