Defining Oneself Novels & Stories

Siguro nga ganoon ang mangyayari. At the age of 18, I was going through an identity crisis and didn't have a positive self-image as a woman. I was afraid I'd be alone for the rest of my life, but I knew I had to go. Even while both were there, the serenity was stronger than the dread. Something is missing, something isn't right, and I'm not pleased.

Wants her to feel temporary. At iyon ay isang bagay na hindi ko puwedeng payagan. Tumayo ako at naglakad papunta sa library, tahimik habang hawak ang cellphone. Hindi ako magsasalita sa media, hindi ko siya papayagan na manira ng pribado sa isa pang tao. “This ends tonight,” bulong ko sa sarili ko. “I will not let her define what’s mine. What we are. What matters.”

Kung ano lang yung nakikita at naririnig nila pinapaniwalaan nila agad. I'm so tired defending myself. Pagod na akong isiksik ang sarili ko sa mga taong ayaw sa akin. Ngayon, kung sino lang yun nandyan yun na lang ang pinapahalagahan ko. Whoeve wants to stay, stay. If ayaw naman, edi wag nang mamilit. Choose people who choose you. Self worth now is the new self respect. Kung ayaw nila sa akin edi bye! Tapos.

Ito ang unang bitak ng cold CEO persona ko. Ito ang unang pagkakataon na ramdam kong hindi sapat ang lahat ng power, lahat ng negosyo, lahat ng title, para hawakan ang isang damdamin na mas matatag at mas malakas kaysa sa akin. Alam kong kailangan kong magdesisyon. Alam kong kailangan kong ayusin ang sarili. Ngunit sa unang pagkakataon, naramdaman kong hindi ko alam kung paano.

You don’t need someone to make you whole because you can do it by yourself. Repeat after me. I can buy myself flowers, I can love myself better, I can take care of myself than anyone. I can go everywhere, buy myself everything I want. Doing everything makes me happy. I love myself better than anyone. I don’t need someone’s love. Me is enough. Love yourself better. “Your worth is not determined by another person.” “What if dumating iyung right time? The right person.”

Minsan pala, sapat na ‘yung pagiging totoo. Simula noon, unti-unti kong binago ang approach ko. Hindi ko pa rin binitawan ang goals ko, pero mas inalagaan ko na rin ang sarili ko. Natutong makinig sa katawan ko, natutong tumawa sa maliliit na bagay. At higit sa lahat, natutong pahalagahan ang sarili ko hindi lang bilang anak, estudyante o class president, kundi bilang Althea.

I recalled my mistake just weeks ago. I was on a debate when i was still in first year.The other team exactly knows what will be my answer and so they tripped with that.Ansel—made me feel the same.Ang kailangan lang ay mismong sa bibig ko dapat lalabas ang mga bagay na gusto niyang marinig .My body wanted to be careful and at my least expectation ,my mind throb hard knowing some familiar sequence and beat. It was a both pleasure and pain. "Why do you ask?"am i passionate about a new life? That i have blurted it out?Or maybe i got careless for a minute and forgot that the person infront is still ... A stranger to me.

Hindi ito sumagot patuloy lang sa pagsinghot. "Don't let anyone define you,Nes, you know who you are. You know yourself better than anybody else, Agnes. Walang sinuman ang may karapatang manghusga sayo. Lalo't walang sinumang ma karapatang pagsabihan ka ng mga masasakit na salita." Nangininig ang labi ni Agnes pagpipigil ng iyak niya habang nakatingin sa akin. She is still crying pero kunti nalang.

Ngunit parehas lang ang lungkot sa mga mata niya. Mukhang may mabigat talaga siyang nakaraan na nahihirapan siyang lagpasan. “Nobody ever has the answer to everything Nobody should define you as a piece of one thing And see it as a whole When you look at me You think you have the right to see me as who you think I am When you've never seen the real me behind the show's curtains We might be alike But that doesn't mean that you know everything I've been through…”

Tahimik ang lahat. Ramdam ang bawat salita. “What matters,” dagdag niya, mas mahinahon ngayon, “is who you become when no one is there to define you.” Dahan-dahan niyang hinigpitan ang hawak sa mikropono. “I built myself,” diretso niyang sabi. “Not for validation. Not for revenge. But because I refused to stay where I was underestimated.” Ang mga salitang iyon ay parang direktang tumama sa mga taong kanina lamang ay nagdududa.