Drowning In My Own Thoughts นิยาย & เรื่องราว

I drowned deeper, the water engulfed me, and my body became paralyzed to the point where I couldn't move a muscle. I can hear a painful sound, tila tunog ng nasisirang makina na bumibingi sa akin. My head aches because of too much pain, I tightly shut my eyes. The pain is unbearable. I almost lost my senses. I badly want to struggle and swim, but I know my body has given up. My body has reached its limit. I have completely fallen. ________ I woke up from a nightmare. Another nightmare? No, because it's the same nightmare I've had since the day I woke up three years ago. My head ached as I moved and made my way downstairs.

I threw my phone on the side of the bed. "At least ngayon nag online na siya..." sambit ko at nakipagtitigan na naman sa kisame. "Sa tingin ko, pinagdadamot ng mundo 'yong saya na gusto kong maramdaman..." Everyday is just 24 hours of me trying to not kill myself. It's hard kaya minsan itinutulog ko na lang. Sleep is the only escape from my dark thoughts pero sa oras na ito hindi ako makatulog.

KNIGHT There are times in my life that I'd like to be alone. I'd like to have my own peace, my own serene, calm and untroubled surrounding. I want to enjoy a tranquil and quiet environment. For there are times that I felt like I'm losing myself. I feel like I am drowning, the place is suffocating.

Nanhina ako at 'di makagalaw, I'm currently drowning but I can't do anything. Ayaw makisama ng aking katawan sa nais ko. Siguro dahil na-sobraan ako sa paggamit ng kapangyarihan ko. Mayroon din akong mga pasa at sugat sa katawan na patuloy kong ini-inda ngayon.

Page 2 Eclair's P.O.V I feel like I have… a very long dream. It is about letting myself drowned in water. Nakatingin lang din ako sa itaas habang bumababa ako paibaba. They said, dreaming about letting yourself drowned is a sign that some circumstances might change you, however you want to protect it because you’re scared and you’re worried because it might go wrong. But what is it that I want to protect? Ramdam ko pa ‘yung paglutang ko sa crystal clear na tubig nang bumalik din ako sa realidad.

Dati akala ko ay ang pag pipinta ang sasalba sa akin, pero habang natagal ay hindi, sa sobrang kalungkutan ko ay nadadala ko ito sa pag pipinta ko. I start enchanting some words, para maging masaya ako. Convincing myself that I will be okay, that being sad for many years will bring me into my own death. Death is not the solution, may anak ako. Ayoko na masaktan ang anak ko, dibale kung wala akong dahilan para mabuhay. Saglit akong tumalikod para kumuha ng tubig sana, kasi pagharap ko at natulala ako. Wala pang ibang kulay ang nasa canvas. It's lighthouse, I scoffed and smile bitterly.

Maya-maya ay marahas siyang tumayo at nagtatakbo paalis sa lugar, habang ako naman ay naiwan at natulala sa kawalan habang nag-iisip ng mga bagay-bagay. There are a lot of suicides in the area where I grew up. Some hang themselves, some slit their wrists, or jump into high places. But I wonder what they are thinking while they are already in the middle of their death? Did they change their mind or remain the same? What if, while in the middle of jumping, they realize that they have a fear of heights and want to back out but can not? What if, in the midst of hanging themselves, they realize they need to breathe but are unable to untie the tie?

Tanghali na pero wala akong gana na kumain dahil sa mga nangyayari ngayon. Naalala kong hindi pala maayos ang itsura ko ngayon. Napailing na naman ako. Walang kwenta naman ‘yong kidnapper na ‘yon? Binigyan nga ako ng bahay pero hindi man lang ako nilinisan? Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na pumasok sa banyo para makapaglinis ng katawan. I let myself soaked under the shower as thoughts conquered my mind. Sino ba ang nasa likod nito?

CHAPTER 34 They say you can never outrun your fate. Perhaps they're right. Maybe this truly is mine, this relentless, suffocating existence where living feels synonymous with drowning in an endless pit of hell. I don't know. Sabi nila kapag sukong-suko ka na, bibigyan ka ng tadhana ng isang bagay na pag-iisipan mo kung isusuko mo ba o magpapatuloy ka pa.

Pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon ay unti-unting pumasok sa aking isipan ang realization na nasa loob pala ako ng forest of illusion. Dahil doon ay nakaramdam ako ng labis na hiya at pikon. Naikuyom ko ang kamay ko sa kadahilanang naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil hindi ko kaagad nahalata na nagsimula na ang epekto ng forest of illusion nang mapansin ko pa lang na wala na sina Alleyn at Cristof sa tabi ko. Sa kagsagsagan ng pagsisisi ay bigla akong natigil nang matamaan ako ng isang bola ng tubig.