Novel & Cerita I'm Not Okay

Describing a man is not your way! Ano bang nangyayare sa akin? This is not me. Ibinaling ko ang mukha ko sa kabilang direksyon. mabuti na lng at madilim dito kunh hindi ay makikita nyang namumula na ako dito. And its totally awkward. I bit my lower lip. "I-I'm okay" shit! Really? Your stuttering?

Sobrang unexpected. Pilit kong nilalabanan ang tensyon na nararamdaman ko kasi ayaw kong magpahalata kay Chris na kinakabahan ako. Pero kahit anong pilit kong itago, alam na alam pa rin nito na uneasy ako. "Buds, are you okay?", biglang tanong nito sa akin. "I'm fine buds." "Ba't parang hindi ka mapakali dyan?" "Just don't mind me buds. Magconcentrate ka nalang sa movie okay?", sabi ko.

"Sabihin mo kung anung nararamdaman mo, Lia.. Baka mapanu ka.. Please.." "I'm okay.. Ok?! Mas lalong sasama ang pakiramdam ko kung patuloy kang manghihimasok sa buhay ko.. I'm okay kaya please.. Isipin mo wala ako rito.. isipin mo hindi ako ang kasama mo! Isipin mo hindi tayo magkakilala.. hindi kita kilala.. Okay?!"

At ang paninigas ng puso ko na animo'y naging bato at hindi na tumitibok. Now, how can I not be hard to myself when I was a d*mn failure? How can I not be hard to myself when I messed up everytime I soften for something or... Someone? "I'm fine now, Kuya. Let's not talk about this anymore." I said as I hang up.

I'm willing to wait. No matter how long it takes. A tear rolled down my cheek again. This time... It wasn't because of pain. It was because I finally felt heard. I typed one last message before putting my phone down. I'm still not completely okay. His reply came gently. I know. And I'm not asking you to be okay today. I'm only asking you not to give up on us. I closed my eyes. Then I answered with complete honesty. I won't. A few seconds later...

The next morning, I woke up with a heavy heart but I can't tell anyone. I can't excuse myself from everything. I feel the obligations heated my skin as soon as the sun kissed it. I have to endure another day, making myself believe that I am fine. I have to work, to socialize, to go out, to fix something, and many more. I have to do the things I don't have the will to fulfill. But nevertheless, there's nothing I can change. I'm living my entire existence carrying a heavy heart without any word anyway—I'm getting used to being not okay. And I hate it more than anyone could know.

Kailan ba nagsimula ang ganitong damdamin ko sa kanya eh hindi ko naman siya gusto? Oh, my, this is not good. I don't want to like him because he is unlikable. . C.m. louden

Medyo kinakabahan dahil ibang ekspresyon na ang kanyang pinapakita. Mapait siyang napatawa dahil sa narinig. He looks fine naman talaga! Kung hindi ko lang nga siya makikitang ganito, masasabi kong masaya na siya at kontento. Base palang sa kasuotan niya at sa estado ng buhay niya, hindi na ako magtataka pa. "Hindi. You're wrong. Hindi ako okay, at hindi nagiging okay." napa-iwas naman ako sa sinabi niyang iyon!

Kasalanan ko, bakit ang sakit? Sinuntok-suntok ko ang dibdib ko dahil sa nahihirapan na akong huminga, puso kumalma ka wag ngayon. Am I a bad person? That's bullshit S--Stela. "Are you okay?" Tanong ni Sophia sa akin kaya tango lang ang sinagot ko. Hindi ko alam na ganito palang kabigat ang lahat, akala ko wala akong problemang kinakaharap kaso meron pala.

“Cass, kamusta-” “Ellie, I’m fine. I sleep well, I eat well. I know you guys are worried pero pwede bang pagbigyan niyo ako? I won’t ask for too much. Kahit isang buong araw lang. I’ll update you when I can. I’m sorry. I need to go.” I didn’t want to be a bitch but I’m not fine and I want to be not okay. Ayaw ko munang kinakamusta ako because that would mean I have to say I’m fine again, even when I’m not. I sighed looking at my now empty plate. Gutom pa ako.