Novel & Cerita I'm Not Okay

In the end, I gave up and destroyed the last canvas I used. "Fuck this life!" I yelled, throwing my tools in that place. I didn't know what was happening to me. I was losing my mind; I was angry and disgusted. I looked up at the ceiling and blew air. Then I looked down at the floor and smiled like an idiot. "What happened to me? What's wrong with me? Why I'm so disappointed?" I ask myself with desperation. "Hindi ba nasang-ayunan ang pagkansela ng kasal ninyo ni Anika?"

Not just from sadness, but from not remembering the last time I actually told the truth. And I didn’t know which hurt more—the thought of admitting I wasn’t okay, or hearing it from my own mouth. “Bea…” I called softly. “Hmm?” she answered, calm and patient. I hesitated. My hand shook slightly though I tried to hide it. There was chaos in my chest. I wanted to speak, but I was terrified of what would come out. I wanted to tell her. But I was scared to tell her. “I…” I swallowed hard, fighting the tears threatening to fall. “I think I’m not okay.”

At ang paninigas ng puso ko na animo'y naging bato at hindi na tumitibok. Now, how can I not be hard to myself when I was a d*mn failure? How can I not be hard to myself when I messed up everytime I soften for something or... Someone? "I'm fine now, Kuya. Let's not talk about this anymore." I said as I hang up.

Napatigil ako sa pagkain at napalingon sa kanya, pero nananatili siyang nakatutok sa panonood. Hindi agad ako nakasagot sa tanong na iyon. Kumusta nga ba ako? I am not okay. Ang lungkot, ang sakit, at ang hirap pa lang mapunta sa sitwasyong hindi ka mahal ng lalaking mahal mo. “Are you okay?” Napapitlag ako nang haplusin ni mommy ang kamay ko. Hindi ko namalayan na nakatingin na pala siya sa akin. Mabilis akong ngumiti at tumango.

Kahit mukha na akong tanga rito ay hindi ko pa rin mapigilan. Damn. I'm such a crybaby!

"Im not okay, My marriage is not okay, My family is not okay, Even my brain is not okay!" Tinakpan ko ang aking mukha gamit ang mga palad ko at saka umiyak ng umiyak. I know this marriage won't last any longer. Alam kong sa huli ay masasayang lahat ng sakripisyo ko. -----------------------------------‐------------

"Does it hurt? Tell me where it hurts. I'll book the earliest flight home right now—" "No!" mabilis kong putol dito kahit garalgal na ang boses ko. "No... don't panic. I'm okay." Ngunit kabaligtaran noon ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ako okay. Sobrang layo ko sa pagiging okay. Napayakap ako sa sarili ko habang pilit na hinihigop ang hangin sa paligid. Nanginginig ang balikat ko sa tahimik na pag-iyak.

Para maikalma ang sarili ay pinili ko ngayon dito sa harap ng dagat para makapag isip isip Inikot ko ang aking paningin sa aking paligid biglang may dumating. “ How are you?” Jean asked me. “Not okay. I am not ok even though you're here. There is a sudden emotion that I am feeling right now Jean. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa which is masaya naman ako pero that pain is coming back. Hindi mo alam ang pakiramdam ng iniwan with an email me for me. I am trying to contact you. Sumubok ako. Am I bad for wanting you to stay because isa ka sa mga taong mahalaga sa akin?” I asked and continued,

Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luhang pumatak sa aking mga mata I don't want to be here anymore. This is freakingly suffocating the hell out of me. Please, someone get me out of here. My heart still pounding so hard. I hate this kind of feeling! I don't want this. I'm fine now, I started to move on... to live my life without him. Ci, get me out of here. But why the freaking freak am I crying?

ang hirap ng ganito? yung alam mong wala nang papupuntahan pero patuloy ka pa ring kumakapit. imbes na sitahin Jo sya kung bakit may nakuha akong t-back sa bulsa nya ay hindi ko ginawa. natatakot kasi ako sa isasagot nya sa akin. I'm not your superwoman I'm not the kind of girl That you can let down And think that everything is okay Boy I am only human