I Decided To Live As Myself 소설 & 이야기

Bukas kasi, si Cedrick na yung may karapatan kung ano nga ba ang gagawin ko sa aking buhay. Hahaha. Bakit ko ba ito ginagawa sa sarili ko? Praning na nga talaga ako na ibigay ang responsibilidad ko sa sarili sa ibang tao. Mali Monina. Live your own will parin. Di naman ata gaano ka-istrikto si Cedrick. Kahit paano ata makilala mo parin ang sarili mong mundo. May batang pinaliguan ako ng bubbles. Napangiti na lamang ako dito. Ngumiti sa akin yung nanay. Saka napakaway ako sa kanila.

I didn’t enroll in anything related to technology because it was already planned for me that I would study business. Akala ko ganon talaga. Since you are born rich, your life is already planned for you by your parents, and you just have to fulfill it. I tried to defy it. Why would I live a life I didn’t plan for myself? I have my own mind, so why shouldn’t I decide for myself? Why should I live according to someone else’s plans for me?

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko natagalan ang ganung trato, siguro, I was afraid to see my siblings, crying from hunger, being bitten by mosquitos, and doesn’t have any shelter for them to feel safe everytime the moon take its turn. But then, one day, when I woke up, I found myself fighting for us, that time I realized, I don’t need to please them just to get the shelter that I and my siblings needed. That I’m allowed to take up space. Own who I am and what I want for myself. How to own my passions, my thoughts, my perceptions and stop putting my worth on the other’s hands; stop letting them decide my value as a person, because I, myself, own my fire. I learned how to stand on my own, express wh

Lalo na't wala akong balak ipaalam iyon sa iba. I'm a shy type of person -this has been my internal struggle ever since, the war against my self. I live my life away from people, not because it is really my preference, but because I am afraid of people's eyes. The self-doubt, it's keeping me in solitude. Kung p'wede lang na habambuhay na lang akong magtago sa lungga, ginawa ko na. Pero paano kung ang pinagpapanggapan kong tao ay sikat at maraming tunguhin sa buhay?

Ayaw kong ipakita sa kanya kung gaano ko pa rin siya kamahal. Huminga ako ng malalim, sinusubukan kong panatilihin ang aking kalmado. "My life and my decisions are mine alone," I assert, my voice firm and resolute." Wala kang karapatang panghimasukan o kwestyunin ang mga choices ko. It's not your concern."

I chose this and I must not regret it. Kahit anong mangyari sa buhay ko ay hinding-hindi ako makakalimot sa mga nangyari. I love Isaac so much. But this time my selfishness was gone. I chose to sacrificed. I chose to hurt myself. I chose this and it's fine if I get hurt.

Hinayaan ko ang sariling pamumuhay na mayroon ako noon. As the time passed by, nasanay ako na mamuhay na mag-isa. Napilit ko ang sarili ko na maging independent para mabuhay. Pero hindi ko rin ipagkakaila na nami-miss ko ang buhay ko na mayroon ako noon. Just me and my make ups and everything. Ibang-iba sa mga nararanasan ko ngayon.

After that, I became self-reliant in any aspect of life, untouchable, aloof sa lahat, walking in disguise. I mean, I'd rather die single than have someone, pero puno ka naman ng takot, pangamba kakaisip kung hanggang kailan ka hindi mag iisa. So better sanayin ang sariling.. Ikaw lang.. Hindi ko kailangan ng kahit na ano galing sa iba or kahit na sino. I can take care of myself. Nagsimula na akong mag prepare para sa pagpasok after kong mag breakfast ng sariling luto ko.

I took it! Kahit ito na lang, ito na lang ang magiging memories ko sa kanya. Babaunin ko na ito hanggang kamatayan. Then I realized he was the only person I choose to be part of my true self. Siya lang ang hinayaan kong makilala ako ng buo. Will I regret it? No. I choose to let him know my true self. I choose to be open to him. Siguro kasi sa tagal ng panahong mag-isa ako. May isang taong hindi sumuko na kilalanin ako at siya 'yun.

Pero mukhang hindi ko pa rin matago ang sarili ko lalo na't mas lalong pumuti ang balat ko at kaoag natatamaan ng sinag ng araw, mas lalo lang akong napapansin. "Fuck," I whispered to myself and then opened the umbrella to cover myself not from the sun but to cover myself from the people. I keep to myself, moving quietly through life. I'm careful about sharing my plans or where I'm going aside from my girlies and Virgil, preferring to keep things low-key. Shadows suit me fine, and I like it that way. I avoid drawing attention or getting others involved. It's just easier to stay under the radar. I go about my business, trying not to disturb anything or anyone. That's how I like it. I mind my