Romans & histoires Never Beg To Be Loved

I never thought this would happen. “When I thought I’d lose you, I got so scared, baby. I got scared that I will never see you again and that you hate me…” he reached for my hand and looked at my face. “I know, this ain’t the typical love story you saw in movies, read in books… I am a fucking boring person and I’m so sorry for that already, baby… but I can assure you that even in my silence, my love for you will always scream the loudest…”

Nangilid ang luha niya bago sagutin. “Bev… anak…” garalgal na boses ng ina niya. “Why? Bakit mo nagawa ‘to?” “Mom, please… huwag mo kong iwan. Please, believe me. I didn’t want this to happen. I just… I just wanted love.” “Love? Anak, love doesn’t mean destroying others. You’re a doctor, Beverly! You swore to save lives, not take them! How could you forget that?”

At marahil tama nga ang sabi ng iba. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Masakit. Pero totoo ang naramdaman niya. “At saka…” mahinang sabi niya, “kung mananatili siya sa buhay ko nang hindi naman niya iyon gusto, mas lalo lang kaming masasaktan kapag pinatagal pa. Parehas lang ang ending, maghihiwalay din kami.” “Sige po,” sagot nito sa wakas. “Ihahanda ko na ang kailangan.”

Kaya alam niyang hindi pa rito nagtatapos ang pagmamahalan nila. *****the end*****

Nagulat din ako sa ginawa ko. I was like an automatic machine. Napatitig siya sa akin. She's blushing again. I think it's not bad to fall in love with my wife. Wait. Fall in love? Napabuga ako ng hangin. That love is a shambles. I swear I will never love again. I made a wall for myself. I don't want anyone to destroy this wall that I built for a very long time. I will never allow myself to be caught by a trap again. Never.

"Wala masama sa pagtawag sa'yo ni Beckett ng bro." "You think?" Marahan akong tumango. "Masaya ako at naging maayos na talaga kayo ni Beckett. Meron din palang magandang nagawa ang pagkawala ko." "At hindi na mauulit pa 'yon, Hon." "Hinding-hindi na po. Hindi na ako muli mawawala sa'yo." "I love you, Hon." "I love you more." "End"

Malungkot ko siyang binigyan ng ngiti at bahagyang napabuntong hininga. “I think love is in everything...” I trailed off. Nag-huhukay muna ng lakas na loob mula sa kaloob-looban. At nang may kaunting nahukay ay saka ko lang tinapos ang pagsasalita. “Love is when you feel fear, hatred, anger, trauma and all the feelings that you could feel. Yung sa akin kasi it's everything. The hatred is there, fear, sadness and the trauma. And I know it's love because if it's not love what I gave back then, then maybe I shouldn't have felt those feelings at all.”

Bukod sa mga pasa na natamo ko ay para rin akong sinaksak ng mga masasakit na salita na binitawan niya. Sa buong araw ay umiyak lang ako ng umiyak. Napapaisip kung paano ako humantong sa ganito. Nais ko lang naman na mahalin niya ako at magkaroon ng masayang pamilya. Mahirap ba akong mahalin? Is it wrong to love someone? Bakit tila pinaparusahan ako dahil lang sa umibig ako? Ganito ba talaga kapag nagmamahal?

Nakatulog ito sa pagud sa pag-iyak. 'Forgive me for what I have done. In brings you more pain. Oh how I wish to take all of that for you to be free. You are so fragile and innocent. You deserve to be loved and to take care my dear. You don't even know how much I love you since the first time I saw you.' mga salitang binabanggit ng kanyang puso at isip habang tinitignan ang maganda at maamong mukha ni Rox.

Nanginginig ang kanyang labi habang sinusubukang ilabas ang bigat na matagal na niyang kinikimkim. “Scared na baka hindi ko kayanin. Baka hindi ko siya maalagaan nang tama, baka hindi ko siya mapalaki nang buo. I never experienced the love of a mother, Aiden,” she said, her voice trembling as she glanced at her husband’s eyes that were full of silent understanding. “I don’t know how to love as a mother should. I have no guide, no foundation—only memories filled with pain.”