Define Self-loathing の小説・ストーリー

Pero wala akong magawa para mapigilan ang sarili kong masaktan nang paulit-ulit—masaktan nang paulit-ulit dahil lang sa isang tao. I want to curse and pray to the devil na sana mamatay na lang si Michael, pero hindi ko iyon magawa dahil ang putanginang puso ko, sa kaniya pa rin talaga. I hate Michael, but I hate myself more. Pumikit ako, at para hindi ako tuluyang malunod sa kalungkutan na hatid ng katangahan ko sa isang tao ay minadali ko na lang ang pagligo ko.

I could taste the blood on it. It’s fucking hurts. Not physically but emotionally. Is this really the Daniel I knew? The man who once held me with such care, who whispered sweet nothings in my ear? Or had I pushed him so far that he became this person, consumed by anger, lust, possessiveness, and desperation? Napaupo ako sa sahig nang matapos si Daniel. I can’t stop crying. I unconsciously hugged myself; I can’t think straight. I... I hate myself.

Pero agad din niya akong tinulak palayo at pinukol ng masamang tingin. "Alam mo bang importante sa tao ang magkaroon ng self-knowledge? Siguro naman alam mo kung ano ka rito. Remember your identity. You're not my wife.You're just my maid." Sa pagkakasabi niyang iyon ay parang mga punyal na isa isang sinasaksak sa puso ko. Ni hindi man lang siya nag-isip bago sabihin. Parang wala siyang pakialam kung masasaktan ba ako. A pang of pain hit me. Naalala ko ang araw ng kasal namin.

Habang bukas ang shower, malakas kong minumura yung sarili ko sa harap ng salamin habang sinusumpa ang lahat ng kakulangan at kapangitan sakin. I always hate myself. I always do.

Ayoko sana siyang saktan at paasahin dahil hanggang ngayon, mahal na mahal ko pa rin ang alaala at ang may-ari ng sapatos na ito. But I’m selfish… Napahilot ako ng ulo. Pakiramdam ko, wala na akong ipinagkaiba sa mga gag0ng lalaki na namamangka sa dalawang ilog. Kahit pa alam ko na sa huli, may masasaktan lang ako. Bakit ba kasi sabay pa silang dalawa na dumating sa buhay ko? “God, I hate myself!” I’m so lost and it’s really frustrating. Para na akong mababaliw.

"Don't mind them, they will eventually stop if you show them you aren't affected. That was what Papa told me. It was just a phase, the emo phase of being a teenger, that's how my brothers see me, right? And do you remember what you called me?" Napayukong umiling si Zoelle. "A selfish," wika nito. "And maybe that was true. Maybe I deserve to be treated like this." Nagsimula na ulit itong humikbi, mabibigat ang paghinga. "But deep inside I know I don't deserve this. I never wished for a cruel fate. But I couldn't do anything but live this fucked up life. And that fact... that made me hate myself more."

"Pero baka maging malungkot ka kapag gano'n, maniwala ka sakin...malungkot ang gano'n!" Nakakatuwa lang malaman na si jaq ay nag-aalala sa akin. If everything was like in the past, I would still fall for him...pero dahil sa kaniya, I know what kind of man I don't want. I don't want to fall in love with someone who isn't in love with himself, or his life. Toxicity is scary. "Alam mo madami akong motto sa life, isa na do'n 'yong, huwag mong ikulong 'yong sarili mo sa lungkot, lumandi ka!" pagbibiro ko.

“Hindi pwede. I’ll only stain your family’s reputation─” “Who the fuck cares about the reputation?” aniya na may halong pagkairita. He cupped my cheeks. “Can you please… be selfish this time. Stop thinking of how others will view you. They don’t know a thing.” Mahina akong natawa. Be selfish this time? I’m selfish most of the time. Kailan ba ako hindi naging selfish? “You’re crazy,” I mumbled. “If loving you means being crazy then I admit I am one.”

“I will love him, soon.” “Don’t say that you will love him like it looks like a business deal, sa huli si Fiero lang ang masasaktan, like what happened between you and Marshall.” Binaba ko ang baso at tumunaw sa kawalan. “You can’t love someone, lalo na kung hindi mo rin alam kung papaano mahalin ang sarili mo,” Nazi said at tuluyan na akong naiyak. She is right, I don’t even know how to love myself. I always offer my body, let them used me on the way they want.

“ I almost forgave you. I almost gave up on hating you. Pero nanumbalik lahat ng sama ng loob, galit at sakit na pinaramdam mo sa’kin nung nakita kitang may kahalikan kagabi.” “I’m just….. trying to relieve my self.” He said “Fuck you! Nakakatawa na ganyan yung mga rason na binibigay mo sa akin ngayon. You’re really love the idea of relieving yourself using others.” His face hardened, pride and shame twisting together. “Hindi ko sinasadya, Ave. Tao lang ako…” he whispered. “Tao?” I wipe my tears and laughed bitterly. “Sam, huwag mo kong gawing tanga. Hindi ‘tao lang’ ang tawag sa ginagawa mo. That was a decision. A deliberate, selfish, disgusting decision.”