Define Self-loathing の小説・ストーリー

"Isn't it because you hate your incompetence? Hated yourself for not resisting? Punong-puno ka ng pandidiri sa sarili mo kaya iniisip mo na magiging maayos ang lahat kapag nasa ibang bansa ka na? You think salt water and a different timezone will wash away the self-loathing? It won't." Ang bawat salita ni Ysa ay tila mga punyal na tumpak na tumatama sa pinakamalalim na sugat sa puso ni Amarah. Napayuko ang dalaga, ang kanyang mga kamay ay mahigpit na nakakuyom habang patuloy ang pag-agos ng kanyang mga luha. Ang katotohanan ay mas masakit kaysa sa anumang pisikal na sugat.

"What?.." "Self-destruction. You look at yourself as a bad person in their life because of your choices. A monster. You are thinking that everyone thinks that you are a cruel person. You are blaming yourself even you are also a victim of the situation. I want you to look to yourself, not as a demon imprinted in your head. Don't think that you deserve all the pain inside you because of the choices that you made. You chose those because you love them and you care for them. You'll be never in peace if you cannot love yourself..." Love yourself? How?

“All this time. I thought I did that because I hated crossing paths with you… because I hated you. But now I realized…hindi pala ‘yon ang dahilan. It was because I hated the disappointment I felt every time you would only look at my shortcomings, when I was hoping na makikita mo rin ang good points ko” Hindi na niya napigilan ang pagkabasag ng boses sa mga huling salitang binitiwan niya. “Sa bawat achievement ko, kapag masaya ako o kapag may pumuri sa gawa ko, I would always have that very brief moment when I think of you and hoped that you would be proud of me too. But I would always feel so ashamed towards myself for even thinking that knowing that you would only see what I didn’t and cou

Nang makapa ko ang isang patag na bato, nahahapong iniangat ko ang sarili. Binaybay ko ang makitid at mabahong daan. Deep inside, there's this small voice commanding me to stop but I can't. It's the same routine, the same pain. Same brutal scene. But I endure it. 'Cause this nightmare gives me the reason. Hate is good. As long as there is vengeance pumping in my blood, I am mad and alive.

"What the hell are you talking about?" "Oh, so you're going to pretend that you have no idea what I'm talking about? Are you that…. Arrrrgh!"Nakakainis. Kumukulo dugo niya rito. "...I maybe not the same with your so many girlfriend and fling who has a supermodel kind of body, but for the love of God, will you stop making me feel so undesirable and ugly... and fat and make me hate myself and lower my self confident? That's bloody terrible." Wika niyang parang may sasabog sa dibdib niya ngunit talunang napasandal sa upuan at tumulo ang luha. Ang sakit sakit sa dibdib, parang sasabog sa sakit, di niya mawari kung bakit ba siya nasasaktan. Bakit nga ba?

Because of my fear na malaman niya that I can't stand up … that I was dying. I roughly brushed my hair with my fingers in annoyance. Then my tightly closed fist started punching my numb legs. My tears started welling down, hindi dahil sa sakit ng pagsuntok ko sa sarili ko but because of feeling weak and helpless. I hate myself! I really hate myself! I hate being sick! I hate that I am dying when what I want is to live more years hoping to save our marriage again. —------- AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional physician and have no professional knowledge in medicine. Some medical conditions, treatment, advice, medication, symptoms, etc. may not be accurate. If you have experienced the

Lust is a weapon and I choose to master it, not be consumed by it. Yes, I pleasure myself when necessary because I’m no saint. Some nights I wrestle the monster inside me to keep it caged. I’d rather fight my demons alone in the dark kaysa sayangin ang sarili ko sa isang tao na hinding-hindi ako deserve. My body count is zero yet it doesn’t mean I’m gay. Ayaw ko lang magpatalo sa aking libido dahil baka iyon pa ang maging dahilan para masayang ang aking dedikasyon bilang susunod na Mafia King.

Ikinulong niya ako sa kaniyang dibdib kaya mas lalo pa akong napahagulhol. “Kasalanan ko… kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ‘to…” I repeatedly uttered in between my sobs. I feel so down. Pakiramdam ko ay ako mismo ang nagdadala ng malas at gulo sa buhay ng mga tao sa paligid ko. I feel like I am the villain. And I hate myself for that!

pahina nang pahina niyang wika, tila nagdadalawang-isip kung itutuloy pa ba. Bahagyang humimlay ang kirot sa puso ko. Aaminin ko, apektado pa rin ako sa mga nangyari noon. Lalong-lalo na sa kaisipang naloko ako ni Duccio na siya mismong kambal ng kanyang ama. Kaya kung mayroong mas dapat mandiri sa akin, ako mismo iyon. No one knows how much I disgust myself. With my misdeed. Even until know, I know it was wrong. It was taboo and defies morality. And most importantly, my reasons were ridiculously shallow. I wanted revenge, but it turned out I only made a fool out of myself.

Ngunit kahit nasa loob na siya ng banyo, hindi pa rin tumitigil ang kanyang pagkabalisa. Lutang na lutang siya. Sa sobrang kawalan ng focus, nagkapalit pa ang gamit ng kanyang shampoo at body wash. Nang mapagtanto ang pagkakamali, napangiwi siya sa sarili. Mahigit isang oras siyang nagpaikot-ikot sa loob, parang isang kaluluwang hindi mapakali... pagod, magulo, at lalo lamang nadidismaya sa sariling kahinaan.