Drowning In My Own Thoughts の小説・ストーリー

The weight is suffocating, dragging me down like I'm being strangled slowly, methodically, until the last bit of life drains from me. My hands tremble violently, shaking with a cold rage and helpless fear. My shoulders convulse uncontrollably as if trying to shake off the memories clawing at me. Tears flood my face, hot and endless, carving channels through the grime and blood. My cracked lips part in desperate gasps, fighting for breath that won't come. Every inhale is ragged, shallow, like my lungs are collapsing under the pressure.

Agad akong pumunta sa gilid ng pool at nung marinig ang pagpihit ng pinto at lumusong ako sa tubig at nagkunwaring nalulunod. Mayamaya pa ay naramdaman ko na ang dalawang kamay na humawak sa bewang ko at inangat ako. Nagkunwari akong umiiyak at yumakap sa leeg nya. Naamoy ko ang mint body wash nya. Ang bango! "Stop crying, okay na." pagpapatahan nya sakin nung nakaahon na kami sa tubig. Umiiyak parin ako kunyari. Tangina mo Phoebe pwede kana talaga magartista.

If I die I will be free of this nightmare. Dinungaw ko ang madilim at malalim na tubig sa ilalim ng tulay. In normal days, I would tell myself, who would want to drown in dirty waters? But right now, I'm surprised I don't have any hesitations at all. Ganoon ba talaga? Is it because I am dirty that I don't mind dying on dirt too? Muling pumatak ang aking mga luha. I climbed the railings of the bridge just to get to the other side. My hands are trembling, I feel so cold, so lonely and so eager.

Sa mga pagkakataong nagtatangka akong tuldukan ang buhay ko ay hindi ako kailanman nagtagumpay. During the countless times that I attempted to drown myself in the tub, I just always end up frantically getting out from the water while catching my breath because of a damned fond memory. I constantly end up imagining that Sky will arrive and save me. Carrying me out of the bathtub. Drying me tenderly. Wiping my hair gently. Hugging me tightly. And singing me to sleep. But... fuck. Just fuck. He's not here. He's not fucking here. It was frustrating.

I tried to swim but my body feels so weak to the point that I can't even move my finger. Mula dito sa ilalim ng tubig ay wala akong makita kundi ang liwanag lang ng buwan. I'm drowning. I am fucking drowning but there's no one will help me now. I tried to breath, pero tubig lamang ang pumasok sa ilong ko at hindi ko na maramdaman ang hangin sa katawan ko. Oh, God. I'm going to die in any moment. Ayaw ko pa. Sa'king pagpikit, isang tao lang ang pumasok sa isipan ko.

The idea of it makes me want to like it too; wanting to love it. Pero tulad ng isang mababaw na paghanga, unti-unti iyong nawala... I was drowned, deep... that I can't stay afloat. Worst of all, I was drowning alone. At hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako nakakaahon.

And now my Finn really ended up as his bastard he never know existed. Humigpit ang aking kapit sa steering wheel at mas lalong lumakas paghikbi ko. Wala na akong pakialam kung nasira ang make up ko, wala na akong pakialam kung sakaling makita ako ng anak kong mugto ang mga mata. I feel like I’m sinking again and I don’t even know who to run to. I don’t know who to run to to prevent myself from drowning to the river of pain.

“I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere that no one could disturb me.” “Where?” I shrugged. “Anywhere.” Hindi na siya nangulit pa. Inikot niya ang manibela at lumihis ng direksyon. I feel guilty. I don’t want to be with him at the moment. Multiple scenarios, nightmares, are gushing in my mind. I want to drown myself with my thoughts and during the process I might ignore him. I don’t want to make him feel unimportant. I don’t want my silence to hurt him.

He is confused but still chooses to answer my question. "Then I'll try to avoid it or run away from it," he said. I sighed and smiled. "Right? We should avoid those things for us to live," I said and turned my gaze on the glowing moon. "But why do I am feeling like I'm walking on a thin ice and is ready to swallow and drown me?" makabuluhang saad ko. I am sad because it felt that no matter what I do, no matter how much I change the path I am walking on, I still found myself walking in the same alley with just different circumstances.

Kadalasan ay ayaw ko na pumapasok dito dahil pakiramdam ko ay unti-unti rin na nalalagot ang natitira ko na tapang para sa sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung kailan matatapos ang sakit na nararamdaman ko o kung mawawala pa nga ba ito. Hindi ko alam kung may buhay pa ba na naghihintay para sa amin ng mga anak ko nang wala si Colton sa amin. I am slowly falling into the pit of despair and darkness. And I am drowning into my own sorrow and pain. And right now, I don’t even know how I can survive this.