روايات وقصص ضمن Poetry On Yourself

Hope you don’t mind being recognized. Arman Ruiz My chest tightened. Recognition. For me. For my work. Not because of who I was beside. But because of who I was. --- 8:45 PM – Moon’s Apartment Nakaupo ako sa floor, nakasandal sa dingding. Blank journal in hand. Slowly, I wrote: --- “Dear Moon,” One day, you will laugh at this version of yourself. Not out of mockery, but because you’ll be proud of her. For walking away. For knowing her worth. For choosing herself.

And when it rains 🎵 On this side of town it touches everything 🎵 Just say it again and mean it 🎵 We don't miss a thing 🎵 You made yourself a bed 🎵 At the bottom of the blackest hole 🎵 And convinced yourself that it's not the reason 🎵 You don't see the sun anymore 🎵 'Did you like it? Did you enjoy?' 'I don't like it and I didn't enjoy it.' He pouted that made me laughed.

Dinama ko ang bawat liriko ng awitin na nagdulot sa akin ng masidhing kalungkutan. When I was young I never needed anyone And making love was just for fun Those days are gone Livin' alone I think of all the friends I've known But when I dial the telephone Nobody's home All by myself Don't wanna be All by myself Anymore Hard to be sure Sometimes, I feel so insecure And love's so distant and obscure Remains the cure All by myself Don't wanna be All by myself Anymore All by myself Don't wanna live All by myself Anymore

Ang mga dingding na ito ay nakasaksi ng mga tawa at luha, ng mga pangakong hindi natupad, at ng mga yakap na kulang sa tapang. Bumalik ako sa sofa at kinuha ang lumang kuwaderno sa mesa. Ang mga pahina nito ay puno ng sulat-kamay ko—magulo, minsan malinaw, minsan pira-piraso. Binuklat ko ang isang pahina at nabasa ang isang pangungusap na matagal ko nang sinulat: “Darating ang araw na pipiliin kong maging tapat sa sarili ko.” Napangiti ako nang mapait. Kailan nga ba darating ang araw na iyon?

Na ang simpleng pagihip ng hangin, paglipad at ang pahuni ng ibon, ang musika, ang magagandang tanawin, ang araw, ang buwan at ang mga tala ay may makubuluhang simbolo na nagpapahiwatig sa ating buhay. Andrea said that a butterfly doesn't see how beautiful their wings are but other people can see the beauty of it. Parang tao lang. Nakikita ng ibang tao ang kabaitan at kapangitan ng ugali mo at mismong sarili mo, hindi mo nakikita. We often see the disaster of ourselves instead on focusing on how to appreciate the beauty and disaster of one self. I gathered air and courage to open the letter. This is what my Mama want to say to me but failed because I am always busy.

Para itong nag-pe-perform. "Each word that comes out from our mouth, can make a phrase. And it can turn out as a simple but authentic poetry," malalim, at buong puso nitong litanya habang nananatili ang hitsura na para bang live na nagtatanghal. "Poetry is a-" "Okay, okay, Miss Sisil. I understand, what is poertry now," gumuhit ang isang na pipilitang ngiti sa labi ni Troye para putulin ang mukhang mahaba nitong salaysay.

If it will be from the perspective of other people— that's so cruel. Hindi na ako muli pang nagsalita, wala na rin naman akong maisip sabihin. Hindi ko alam kung ano at paano. Hindi ko alam kung saan pa ilulugar ang sasabihin ko. It feels like I’m composing a poem and I don’t know how to execute it appropriately.

Kung mangyayari 'yun, magagawa ko siyang labanan not because I am choosing myself. I will fight him, for choosing those people around me over him, yet choosing him over myself. Mamatay ako para sa mga taong pinili akong samahan at mahalin hangang dulo. I'm selfless I know. Pero ang pagiging selfless ko'y isang paraan para maging makasarili ako. Dahil kung mawawala ako, sisiguraduhin kong kami ni draven hangang dulo. Umuwi ako sa condo kinagabihan, pakiramdam ko ng araw na 'yon nauubos na ang oras ko. Madalas kong marinig ang tunog ng orasan tila napakabagal, pero nauubos parin.

Ang pagkabigo’y hindi sumisimbolo ng katapusan, kundi katapusan upang matutunan muli ang bagong kabanata. Hindi niya alam kung anong nangyayari sa kaniya pero nang hindi makayanan ang pagdadalamhati agad siyang tumakbo sa pintong nakasara. Hindi na niya alintana ang kung sinong kumakatok ba sa pintuan niya. Wala siyang naiisip sa kasalukuyan kundi maglabas ng sama ng loob. Pumasok siya sa loob ng banyo at humagulgol na umupo roon. “I’m sorry, Self. I’m sorry to be hurt. I’m sorry for being not enough for anyone. Sorry for my insecurities that affect you a lot. I’m sorry, please forgive me, Self.”

Bigla ko na namang naalala. I can't help myself but to keep thinking of it. If I have an other self, I would pat my back and feel pity. Naaawa na rin ako sa sarili ko dahil wala na akong magawa. Hindi ako malaya, sa lahat ng aspeto, saan ko man tingnan, hindi ako malaya. Ang aking mga paa'y nakakadena sa iba't ibang tanikala. Iba't ibang problemang nagdaan na 'di man lang nasosoluys'yunan na patuloy lang na nadadagdagan. I'm a mess!