ข้าแค่ยอมให้ มิใช่เป็นคนโง่

“Miss, are you sure about this?” The doctor stared deeply into my eyes hoping to see if I was joking or would change my mind.

“Yes, I haven't been as sure as I am now.” My voice came out steadier than I expected.

She set her pen down slowly.

“Mrs Whitmore” she folded her hands.

“You don't need to decide today. It's only 3 weeks,” She paused. “ Your uterine lining shows signs of significant weakness. The fact that this pregnancy succeeded— ." She exhaled.

“—Is frankly a miracle. There's no guarantee your body will allow this again”.Her voice dropped low.

“This may be your only chance.”

The words shot a pain through my chest. With tight trembling hands I responded, “No qualms, I don't intend on giving birth anyway” I interjected. Especially not for a man like him.

She studied me for a moment and nodded in defeat.

“Okay, I will prepare you for the necessary procedures.” She confirmed and glanced back at the monitor.

“You'll need a minimum of three days to recover. I suggest you plan on staying here for those few days “

“Noted.”

My appointment for the abortion was scheduled and that was the first part of it.

I gathered my bag, thanked the doctor and got up ready to leave. But paused to look over the appointment card slipped into my hand.

A frown settled on my face. The earlier the better.

“Erm doctor, I'm sorry but can't you move this date forward?” I paused as I explained further cause the look on her face was more of confusion . “I do have an engagement on that day, I'd rather I finish and recover fast before it happens. “

She looked up, and for a second, something flashed across her face. Was it pity ?

“Alright Miss, I can shift it to two days from today.”

“That'll be fine with me,” I managed a small nod. “Thank you” was my last word before I left her office as the door clicked shut behind me.

I let out a deep breath I didn't know I was holding.

The child isn't at fault. A part of me still felt sad.

I knew that. With one hand pressed flat against my tummy, I let my thoughts take over.

The baby was innocent. Completely innocent.

But I also knew what kind of world I would be pushing it into.

A world where its father's hands belonged to another woman. Where it would grow up either ignorant of the truth or destroyed by it.

I won't do that to it. I won't give birth to a child just to watch it be swallowed by that world.

For three good years, Damien and I have tried for a baby.

God, in the beginning he was everything. He was sweet , showered me with gifts and showed me that I was really born to be loved.

He never for once took a glance at another woman. Anytime I looked into his eyes, all I saw was the raw desire for me. On our very first anniversary, he made love to me . And that was the best day of my life. He made my life whole and no man was closer to that.

Everything was okay, until I noticed his sudden change. He became moody and a little aggressive. And even stopped making love to me, but when he did, it was the gentle thing we used to share. It was rough like he poured anger into it.

At least he hasn't laid a finger on me. He recently started leaving early for work and getting back home very late and when I ask about it, the only thing he says is,

“I'm tired, we'll talk about it tomorrow,”

“Had a meeting”

“I need peace to work”

I gave him peace, the space he asked for and still gave him the benefit of doubt.

I was very patient though it did break my heart. I thought he always worked hard and was too drained or had rough days at work. But I was wrong all this while.

Until the night he looked me up with coldness in the eyes, stomped the table with a fist and said to me ,

“You have no right to question my lateness. It is none of your business”

For the very first time in the years we've been together, he rejected my food like it had poison in it.

Fresh air hit my skin, making me relax a bit. It was nothing like what I felt earlier. My feet moved on their own. Though with burning knees, my feet still wouldn't stop moving.

My phone vibrated in my bag. I pulled it out and picked it up when I saw the caller ID.

“Hello, Lawyer Lawrence here. Am I speaking to Mrs ….”

“Oh hi , Mr Lawrence. Yes that's me “ my voice came out normal which surprised me a bit. Not that I expected to sound like how I was looking at the moment.

“My assistant mentioned you came to my office this morning. My apologies, i had a hearing on a different case ”

Typical of a Lawyer.

“How can I help you?”

I hesitated for a while before I continued, “I did. Can you please help me draft a divorce. I don't think I can continue with it any longer “

“A divorce ?”

“Yes. I want to divorce my husband “